"Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying! THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!"
-Jimmy Dugan
"You can observe a lot by watching."
-Yogi Berra
So why on earth is this moniker appropriate? There is a set of decorum, to wit: I have rules. These rules apply to proper conduct during a baseball game. Those exempt are individuals under the age of 12 and their parents/guardians. What could these rules possibly entail? Glad you asked...
1. No gloves allowed!
Permit me to pose a hypothetical. You're sitting in the stands and a batted (or otherwise propelled) ball comes near you. Man up and catch that ball with your bare hand! You are there with your twenty-something year old cronies and you need a glove?!? C'mon, even if you are not of drinking age in the park you are of age in the parking lot. Chances are you've had enough to dull the pain. Plus, how cool is it to catch a ball bare handed? Additionally, you'll probably be a hero on tv. A word to the wise, leave the glove at home. Ammendment 1: Should you have a youngster at the game and are sitting in the line drive zone, a glove is an acceptable and recommended defense mechanism.
2. Stop with the wave nonsense.
A player puts on his batting gloves, grabs a helmet and his bat, and strides up the dugout steps toward the on-deck circle. As he makes his way onto the field he notices 42,000 raucous fans doing the wave. Surely he must be thinking, "Oh goodness, they're doing the wave, now my adrenaline is pulsing and i must perform.", right? Doubtful. The same player, in the post-game interview after driving in the game winning run, will credit the wave with his success at the plate, right? Even less plausible. The wave is a hackneyed institution. I would wager the average fan pays more attention to the wave than the game, then calls sports talk radio to complain about the poor performance of the team. How the hell do you know? You were watching the wave!
4. No more "hulk-fist" beer cozies.
"But it keeps my beer colder longer." No it doesn't, and it looks stupid. Take it off and throw it away. The ballpark beer fits only half way into the fist. Besides, why the hell is your beer getting warm anyway? It's a ballgame, get drunk, get in a fight, get thrown out, run across the field naked and spend a night in jail, do something! just...
5. Do not fall asleep in your seat.
D'oh - yeah, that's me below.
6. One must not throw an opponent's home run ball back to the playing field.
Ammendment 2: Wrigley Field. I understand Chicago, and specifically winning famished Cubs fans created this tradition. It's theirs to have and to hold. After all, what else do they have?
Why does someone always have to ruin it for everyone else? I'm a know-it-all elitist, I am cognizant of this. I try to disguise this as "traditionalism" in an attempt to spin my own snobbery. Then why am i writing this? Mostly to poke fun at myself and to realize that baseball is just a stupid game. It's for the kids, get it? Sometimes i need to remind myself of that fact.
Note to self: lighten up.
If you have read this and disagree with me, good. Thumb your nose at me and continue doing what you will when you attend a game. I'm pretentious, and if I really was as "traditional" as I like to think I am then I would be attending games in a suit and a fedora (still quite an endearing thought when I imagine attending a game at Ebbits Field, Shibe Park, or The Polo Grounds). So i am a fraud. My idea of a good time at a ball game is actually watching the game, giving the beer guy the business (both literally and figuratively), throwing peanut shells all over the ground, and fervently booing Johnny Damon. I'm sure alot of baseball fans find my game routine quite pedestrian and think I'm the true charlatan.
Go to a game, have the time your life, ignore this baseball nazi and any other one you might come across. First and foremost, have fun with it.
-Jimmy Dugan
"You can observe a lot by watching."
-Yogi Berra
You know what's great about baseball games? Attending them. That is, unless you are sitting somewhere near me. That's right, I've been terrorizing various sections of Comerica Park in Detroit. I have twice been a season ticket owner, thus granting me the jurisdiction to say whatever I damn well please.
This season comes to a close with my beloved Tigers poised for a run at the ugliest trophy in professional sports. So with the playoffs in our near future, now is an appropriate occasion to inform all of the johnny-come-latelys of proper ballpark decorum.
First, a quick anecdote. My brother has stories of attending games when we held season tickets. We sat in a section full of other season ticket holders. I was not present this night in question. At one point during this game, prompted by my absence, our drunken neighbor leaned over to Paul and asked, "Hey, where's the baseball nazi?", inquiring after my whereabouts. Normally, one would bristle at being characterized as one of the most despicable groups in history, but I suppose it's true for better or for worse. Remember, the phrase is "baseball nazi", not: "in favor of genocide nazi" or "white supremacist nazi." So please, no angry letters or flaming bags of dog excrement on my porch.
This season comes to a close with my beloved Tigers poised for a run at the ugliest trophy in professional sports. So with the playoffs in our near future, now is an appropriate occasion to inform all of the johnny-come-latelys of proper ballpark decorum.
First, a quick anecdote. My brother has stories of attending games when we held season tickets. We sat in a section full of other season ticket holders. I was not present this night in question. At one point during this game, prompted by my absence, our drunken neighbor leaned over to Paul and asked, "Hey, where's the baseball nazi?", inquiring after my whereabouts. Normally, one would bristle at being characterized as one of the most despicable groups in history, but I suppose it's true for better or for worse. Remember, the phrase is "baseball nazi", not: "in favor of genocide nazi" or "white supremacist nazi." So please, no angry letters or flaming bags of dog excrement on my porch.
So why on earth is this moniker appropriate? There is a set of decorum, to wit: I have rules. These rules apply to proper conduct during a baseball game. Those exempt are individuals under the age of 12 and their parents/guardians. What could these rules possibly entail? Glad you asked...
1. No gloves allowed!
Permit me to pose a hypothetical. You're sitting in the stands and a batted (or otherwise propelled) ball comes near you. Man up and catch that ball with your bare hand! You are there with your twenty-something year old cronies and you need a glove?!? C'mon, even if you are not of drinking age in the park you are of age in the parking lot. Chances are you've had enough to dull the pain. Plus, how cool is it to catch a ball bare handed? Additionally, you'll probably be a hero on tv. A word to the wise, leave the glove at home. Ammendment 1: Should you have a youngster at the game and are sitting in the line drive zone, a glove is an acceptable and recommended defense mechanism.
2. Stop with the wave nonsense.
A player puts on his batting gloves, grabs a helmet and his bat, and strides up the dugout steps toward the on-deck circle. As he makes his way onto the field he notices 42,000 raucous fans doing the wave. Surely he must be thinking, "Oh goodness, they're doing the wave, now my adrenaline is pulsing and i must perform.", right? Doubtful. The same player, in the post-game interview after driving in the game winning run, will credit the wave with his success at the plate, right? Even less plausible. The wave is a hackneyed institution. I would wager the average fan pays more attention to the wave than the game, then calls sports talk radio to complain about the poor performance of the team. How the hell do you know? You were watching the wave!
3. When at a game, no male shall imbibe booze in a fruity, squishy form.
If you have been to Comerica Park you have seen it. It is the long-necked plastic "flutes" filled with some sort of watermelon - orange concoction. Men, drink beer, please. What do you think Babe Ruth would do to you if he saw you drinking from a neon tube in the stands? On the other hand, females are allowed to imbibe in this manner. If you're a man, grow a set and get a beer! It'll help you catch the ball better without your glove.
4. No more "hulk-fist" beer cozies.
"But it keeps my beer colder longer." No it doesn't, and it looks stupid. Take it off and throw it away. The ballpark beer fits only half way into the fist. Besides, why the hell is your beer getting warm anyway? It's a ballgame, get drunk, get in a fight, get thrown out, run across the field naked and spend a night in jail, do something! just...
5. Do not fall asleep in your seat.
D'oh - yeah, that's me below.
6. One must not throw an opponent's home run ball back to the playing field.
Ammendment 2: Wrigley Field. I understand Chicago, and specifically winning famished Cubs fans created this tradition. It's theirs to have and to hold. After all, what else do they have?
Why does someone always have to ruin it for everyone else? I'm a know-it-all elitist, I am cognizant of this. I try to disguise this as "traditionalism" in an attempt to spin my own snobbery. Then why am i writing this? Mostly to poke fun at myself and to realize that baseball is just a stupid game. It's for the kids, get it? Sometimes i need to remind myself of that fact.
Note to self: lighten up.
If you have read this and disagree with me, good. Thumb your nose at me and continue doing what you will when you attend a game. I'm pretentious, and if I really was as "traditional" as I like to think I am then I would be attending games in a suit and a fedora (still quite an endearing thought when I imagine attending a game at Ebbits Field, Shibe Park, or The Polo Grounds). So i am a fraud. My idea of a good time at a ball game is actually watching the game, giving the beer guy the business (both literally and figuratively), throwing peanut shells all over the ground, and fervently booing Johnny Damon. I'm sure alot of baseball fans find my game routine quite pedestrian and think I'm the true charlatan.
Go to a game, have the time your life, ignore this baseball nazi and any other one you might come across. First and foremost, have fun with it.
