Megalomaniacs for Global Domination

"All men can see these tactics whereby I conquer, but what none
can see is the strategy out of which victory is evolved"
- Sun-tzu

"The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world"
- The Brain

A relatively new development has occurred within the last year or so of my time on this planet. I have become increasingly interested in complete control and domination of the entire earth, except for Antarctica, and only because it cannot be found on the board. Far too many years have passed where the phenomena known as Risk was absent from my consciousness. Luckily, I have some vigilant comrades who noticed something was lacking in my life. They introduced me to the game of global domination, Risk.

Indeed, I may have had a deprived childhood. My salad days were filled with baseball, among other sandlot sports. When I wasn't outside running out my hyperactivity, I would occasionally pull out a board game. Typically the game of choice would be Clue, Pictionary, Life, Trivial Pursuit (once I was a teenager) or a three letter card based game like War or Uno. Unfortunately, Risk is not found on this list. Now I'm sure that the aforementioned games do have some educational benefits, but they pale in comparison to the cultivation and enlightenment Risk entails. I spent my formative years completely oblivious to the game in what's known as a deprived childhood. Fortuitously, I was given the gift of Risk with plenty of time to spare.

When your young lad or lass starts asking questions like, "Why is our president heading into Iraq?" any good parent should head to the closet and dust off that 0ld Risk box that has been moldering on the top shelf for years. Any socio-political questions can usually be explained and solved by a couple of hours of dice rolls. A vigilant parent can easily elucidate and illuminate what exactly our fine President was feeling when he decided to send Americans after the dastardly Saddam Hussein. This theory finds practice across the board, consider using Risk when your rug rat starts studying Napoleon, Alexander the Great, or the Roman Empire. A couple of hours of trying to claim Kamchatka for the red army, and mankind's natural tendency for imperialistic blood lust is undeniable.

Another benefit of introducing Risk to your offspring is to illustrate the human code of honor (or lack thereof). One has the option to double-cross anyone seated at the table with little recompense other than inevitable removing all of one's plastic representation of humanity from a map of the world. Risk speaks volumes as to a player's character. Does one hold up the treaties that are struck during game play? Does one prey on the weak? Is one player constantly serving the needs of another by refusing to ever attack one other specific player? Perhaps one player angers you enough to create a strategy claiming your territories adjacent to the antagonizer in order to eliminate that player first. Also, what better way to introduce your kids to harsh reality than to wipe the floor with them in a game of global domination? Just watch out when they wind up teaching you a few lessons.

The social advantages of Risk should also be considered. First, you have to play amidst other human beings, thus guaranteeing personal contact (unless you play online, you mountebank). Also, if one so chooses, beer can be introduced into the equation allowing for further relaxation. So there you have it, harmless fun. You and your comrades spending an evening or ten together blowing off steam. Speaking of relaxation, Risk is a good way to diffuse after dealing with reality. One is usually not permitted to rail at the jerks encountered on a day to day basis, so bottle it up and scream and shout at your friends and inanimate pieces of plastic. This is what is known as "Risk Tilt" and is more therapeutic than an army of psychiatrists and their frighteningly mind altering pills. (Editor's note: The author leads the league in total time on Risk tilt.) It is crucial to always remember the separation of Risk and real life, or you will end up with some angry chums. Otherwise, Risk is simply the game that keeps on giving.

I, with some friends, have had a recurring Risk game Thursday nights. Often times, upon learning that my evening plans consisted of a game of Risk, people will be astonished. Risk is the international language, I know you're out there closeted Risk fans. I am here to tell you that it is perfectly acceptable to take over Australia, yell "devil cock" when you roll three sixes (of course that's a nod to The Frogs), or shout about how Ukraine is weak. Grab a six pack and come over, let's play some Risk.

Make With The Swimsuits Already

"People demand freedom of speech as a compensation
for the freedom of thought which they seldom use."
-Soren Kierkegaard

An interesting opinion letter appeared today in that anachronistic dinosaur known as The Detroit Free Press. As many things tend to do for pretty much all of my waking hours on this planet, this letter got me to thinking. Said letter absolutely skewers doltish boob and celebrity blogger Perez Hilton (if that is your real name) and I couldn't agree with the author, Edmond Guay of Auburn Hills, MI, more fervently.

A few weeks ago at that momentous American tradition, the Miss USA pageant, everyone's favorite blogger asked a question as to one contestant's point of view regarding the legalities (or lack thereof) of gay marriage. The contestant responded that she felt that marriage should remain between a man and a woman. This upset the rotund reporter who took to his blog to explain why Miss California had not attained the national honorific. He averred, "She gave the worst answer in pageant history. She lost because she's a dumb bitch, okay?" Classy.

The aftermath, as this was the biggest story of the weekend and still plagues our pop culture consciousness, brought out all of our favorite flag-wavers clamoring for the spotlight and ensuring their status as liberal.

One thing for the record. Mr. Hilton, I am on your side when it comes to the legalization and (with hope) proliferation of gay marriage. This is something that absolutely NEEDS to happen, but that is an entirely separate discussion for another time. Furthermore Mr. Hilton, I am quite sure that your life has required immeasurable amounts of personal courage and strength. This should certainly have endowed you with the onions to be man enough and recognize when someone actively participates in intellegent discourse. I've been wrong before.

Mr. Hilton, perhaps I am giving you too much credit, but I am a kind and benevolent hater. It seems to me that you would most likely possess the good sense to realize that asking a controversial question could potentially evoke a response that would make your blood boil. Shame on you for admonishing this young woman for exercising her rights as an American. We're talking about the Miss USA pageant, not the Miss Liberal competition. The very deserved freedoms you rightfully strive to attain are founded on the same rights Miss California has in feeling you should be unable to marry, misguided as her feelings are.

Another argument which did not occur to me until it was brought to my attention by a friend. Perhaps Miss USA has to be representative of all Americans, an ideal. I do see merits in this rationale and deem it valid. But, on the other end of the spectrum lies the ability to be able to state unequivocally one's true belief, well isn't that quintessentially American as well? One must also remember, we're talking about Miss USA here, not the next Pope.

So why are my underpants all in a bunch? Mr. Edmond Guay's letter to the Free Press. His main point can be summed up thusly: the overly PC crowd will "support the unfettered expression of free speech - as long as you don't disagree with them." Ahh, sweet music to my curmudgeonly ears. Clearly, Mr. Guay is not a liberal, take it from the man himself:

The pageant judge who asked the question, Perez Hilton, is a nothing; he's a blogger whose only clam to fame is making a name for himself on the Internet sharing his own opinions about whatever he chooses. And he has the temerity (ed. note: serious vocab points there) to whoop up a holy war about someone else's constitutional right to do exactly the same thing? And the rest of his liberal friends are jumping on the bandwagon.

Granted, Mr. Guay certainly has a slanted view, but in such a way that it benefits me and my crusade against loud mouthed celebrities. My feeling is this has nothing to do with any type of party affiliation, it just happens to be a matter of fact that the majority of blathering celebs are liberal, not that there's anything wrong with being liberal.

So then what's the problem? Celebrities drunk on self-aggrandizement. Sure, entertainment is art and art is imitation of life which is an imitation of art. Granted, art has every right to be socially constructive or subversive, but there is a line that occasionally needs to be drawn. Some of these outspoken entertainers have no concept of real life, and I for one am jealous. I want to be financially secure to the point of hedonism. Not only am I jealous, I don't like to be told what my system of beliefs must entail.

Political correctness has reached epidemic proportions. All too frequently, celebrities are butting expensively crafted noses into my private pop culture sphere to scold me into a perfectly framed ethos, working only in their financially secure idyllic lives. You are as anti-American as humanly possible if you have the gall to tell me that if I don't believe the way you do is wrong. A friend mentioned a postcard she saw at the Museum of Communism in Prague that had a slogan suggesting that a misconception of the west is that political correctness is their idea.

Nonetheless, in my rage, I am forced to call out some celebrities, plead my case, and hope they and button it. Alec Baldwin, why are you still here? You said you would move to Canada if George W. Bush was elected to a second term in 2004. See ya, old chap, send my regards to Don Cherry. Don't get me wrong, I love your work, but please, put a sock in it. Sean Penn, you overact, you are uber hip, and have a big mouth. Kudos though, for taking challenging roles, they speak with more nobility and credibility then you ever will. Bono and Oprah...yeah, just go away, please.

Yet, after all of this rambling, I feel my hostility is a tad misdirected. These grand folks have just been lucky enough to grab their slice of the big pie that is the American Dream. I cannot blame the media in a capitalistic society, but rather the consumers too blind, apathetic or lazy to turn off the television. Seriously America, American Idol has come out and told you, "hey, we're frauds," and you keep watching and voting. An original movie has not been made here in ages, yet we are in Hollywood's golden age. People of the United States, please open your eyes, think for yourselves. Let celebrities entertain you, let them move you with their performances, but for the love of crumbcake, stop worshiping them!

Finally, I am not a fascist, celebrities have every right to outspoken outrage - just not over any single other person in this country. Don't Tread on Me!



-Please click here for the letter to the editor discussed above-

Five Steps to a Better Business

"I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship...these are the three demons you must slay if you want to succeed in business."
- C. Montgomery Burns

Welcome to the new depression. Times are changing. Good, hard working people are losing their jobs. An already volatile business atmosphere is becoming more hazardous, and today's savvy entrepreneur needs contemporary thought to keep the spirit of commerce alive. The good news is a list has been compiled to guide the business owner through uncertain times. Regardless of what your business is, these tips are applicable.

1. Remember: It's Your Commodity

Only a charlatan would say, "Business is like music, it has all been done before, but it's a matter of how you do it that sets you apart." Nothing could be further from the truth. You are the mastermind behind the venture, the originator, the end-all-be-all. It is critical that you never let your underlings forget this fact. Additionally, never let anyone convince you that you have "stolen" an idea - there is always a loophole permitting a total autocracy.

You must constantly recall that this is your entity and how crucial that is to your authority. You are the emperor, granting you license to alter the rules at any given point, even mid game. This will continually work to your advantage, no matter how insignificant the dispute, even if it be $25 or less.

2. Overestimate Your Product

As an owner, you have to assume that your idea/product/commodity is the greatest thing since pants with pockets. This idea is especially significant if your business happens to provide a service for another business. Also, it is most certainly beneficial (at least from your point of view) to assume the service you provide is exponentially more important than the business with which you have become aligned.

Now that you have created and established your vision, make sure that you spread it to every plausible niche in every imaginable market. No matter when, no matter where, everyone wants it, and that means every waking minute. Your best movie is to glut your target audience and in no time, your IPO will be wearning you so much bling it will make you want to slap Mr. T. The most important thing, people love your product and you have the return patronage of a crack dealer.

3. Never Keep a Promise

You will inevitably need employees, especially if you overestimate your product (as previously discussed) and your demand goes to plaid, causing you to accommodate with a healthy dose of supply. Employees are great, you can basically delegate jobs/responsibilities/work until you have nothing to do but complain about those you lord over and to count your money. This ragtag group has one unfortunate flaw: they require compensation, those vandals. These scoundrels, stinking of money-lust, will shake you down until your enterprise is as insignificant and worthless as Enron stock. There are two solutions to this little puzzler: (1) choose your employees wisely, and (2) never keep a promise.

The former is trickier than the latter because the goal is to attain totalitarian control. Be sure that no individual voice is heard, including valid suggestions, ideas, etc. A business owner needs an army of toadies, folks that will not rock the boat, thereby never tipping it over. You need their undying love and affection. This general atmosphere of worship will ensure the deserved accolades due to you not only for granting your employees a better life, but also for gracing humankind with your conception.

As a business owner, the second aspect, never keeping a promise, is nowhere near as difficult. This is not to say "lie outright" to your employees (although that might not be such a bad tactic) but rather to dangle that unattainable carrot in front of their greedy, greedy eyes. This is intended to keep their proletariat hands busy filling your pockets when they think the incentive will eventually trickle down. The attainable results are astonishing when one offers a piece of the pie that was never intended to be sliced. The businessperson that keeps the workforce pacified vis a vis worthless perks has struck a serious blow in class warfare.

This idea is also applicable to regular wage. As previously stated, any rule can be adapted or generated courtesy of intelligent design to suit your every wish. Your subordinates exist to make YOU money not the other way around. After all, your workers are in debt to you for allowing them the absolute privilege of being part of your team.

Finally, to twist an old Gloria Steinem chestnut, a business needs ethics like a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

4. Be Sure To Keep The Employee in its Place

Ahh, sweet rhetorical usage of the word "its". Never give an underling the idea you consider them remotely human. You are part of the Bourgeoisie now, climbing that ladder to happier and happier times. Leave the work to the avaricious hoi polloi. Work to a business owner is birth control to a Catholic, to wit: contradictory. Responsibility rests on the shoulders of your unwashed masses of mouth breathers as they are so seamlessly disposable and replaceable.

An important facet as you delegate responsibility is to maintain your role as authoritarian, absolute ruler, strongman. As the proprietor, you are, in no uncertain terms, permitted to act as a tyrannical despot for the sake of your commodity. Employees exist to (monetarily) fuel your creative outpouring, not to offer hackneyed cliches passed off as "insight" about how you are keeping shop.

Surely you will eventually encounter an extraordinarily outspoken member of the rank and file, and such an individual is an easily dispatched foe. The first step is to debunk any suggestions, input or feedback as criticism and deconstruction. Admitting that anyone else possesses the remarkable savior-faire required to keep your business thriving in this economy is absolute suicide. Secondly, if an unruly sardine is continuously insubordinate, your best option is to insult, berate, and degrade them into silence. Should the problem persist, a blacklist is then perfectly in order. Crack open the book on good old Joe McCarthy in order to rein in any rogue prole. Finally, though it is never to early to consider this action, comes excommunication. No peon is worth any part of your so appropriate and requisite cut.

5. Should Things Go Awry, Burn All Bridges

Friendships are for pussies.

So there you have it comrades, a new chapter for the new depression survival guide. Take heed fellow entrepreneurs, my advice is as golden as the parachute you'll be gently using as you run out the clock in Florida with adult diapers made of c-notes. As sure as Vince Shlomi will repeatedly punch a prostitute in the face, adherence to these philosophies will grant your champagne wishes and caviar dreams.