"I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship...these are the three demons you must slay if you want to succeed in business."
- C. Montgomery Burns
- C. Montgomery Burns
Welcome to the new depression. Times are changing. Good, hard working people are losing their jobs. An already volatile business atmosphere is becoming more hazardous, and today's savvy entrepreneur needs contemporary thought to keep the spirit of commerce alive. The good news is a list has been compiled to guide the business owner through uncertain times. Regardless of what your business is, these tips are applicable.
1. Remember: It's Your Commodity
Only a charlatan would say, "Business is like music, it has all been done before, but it's a matter of how you do it that sets you apart." Nothing could be further from the truth. You are the mastermind behind the venture, the originator, the end-all-be-all. It is critical that you never let your underlings forget this fact. Additionally, never let anyone convince you that you have "stolen" an idea - there is always a loophole permitting a total autocracy.
You must constantly recall that this is your entity and how crucial that is to your authority. You are the emperor, granting you license to alter the rules at any given point, even mid game. This will continually work to your advantage, no matter how insignificant the dispute, even if it be $25 or less.
2. Overestimate Your Product
As an owner, you have to assume that your idea/product/commodity is the greatest thing since pants with pockets. This idea is especially significant if your business happens to provide a service for another business. Also, it is most certainly beneficial (at least from your point of view) to assume the service you provide is exponentially more important than the business with which you have become aligned.
Now that you have created and established your vision, make sure that you spread it to every plausible niche in every imaginable market. No matter when, no matter where, everyone wants it, and that means every waking minute. Your best movie is to glut your target audience and in no time, your IPO will be wearning you so much bling it will make you want to slap Mr. T. The most important thing, people love your product and you have the return patronage of a crack dealer.
3. Never Keep a Promise
You will inevitably need employees, especially if you overestimate your product (as previously discussed) and your demand goes to plaid, causing you to accommodate with a healthy dose of supply. Employees are great, you can basically delegate jobs/responsibilities/work until you have nothing to do but complain about those you lord over and to count your money. This ragtag group has one unfortunate flaw: they require compensation, those vandals. These scoundrels, stinking of money-lust, will shake you down until your enterprise is as insignificant and worthless as Enron stock. There are two solutions to this little puzzler: (1) choose your employees wisely, and (2) never keep a promise.
The former is trickier than the latter because the goal is to attain totalitarian control. Be sure that no individual voice is heard, including valid suggestions, ideas, etc. A business owner needs an army of toadies, folks that will not rock the boat, thereby never tipping it over. You need their undying love and affection. This general atmosphere of worship will ensure the deserved accolades due to you not only for granting your employees a better life, but also for gracing humankind with your conception.
As a business owner, the second aspect, never keeping a promise, is nowhere near as difficult. This is not to say "lie outright" to your employees (although that might not be such a bad tactic) but rather to dangle that unattainable carrot in front of their greedy, greedy eyes. This is intended to keep their proletariat hands busy filling your pockets when they think the incentive will eventually trickle down. The attainable results are astonishing when one offers a piece of the pie that was never intended to be sliced. The businessperson that keeps the workforce pacified vis a vis worthless perks has struck a serious blow in class warfare.
This idea is also applicable to regular wage. As previously stated, any rule can be adapted or generated courtesy of intelligent design to suit your every wish. Your subordinates exist to make YOU money not the other way around. After all, your workers are in debt to you for allowing them the absolute privilege of being part of your team.
Finally, to twist an old Gloria Steinem chestnut, a business needs ethics like a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
4. Be Sure To Keep The Employee in its Place
Ahh, sweet rhetorical usage of the word "its". Never give an underling the idea you consider them remotely human. You are part of the Bourgeoisie now, climbing that ladder to happier and happier times. Leave the work to the avaricious hoi polloi. Work to a business owner is birth control to a Catholic, to wit: contradictory. Responsibility rests on the shoulders of your unwashed masses of mouth breathers as they are so seamlessly disposable and replaceable.
An important facet as you delegate responsibility is to maintain your role as authoritarian, absolute ruler, strongman. As the proprietor, you are, in no uncertain terms, permitted to act as a tyrannical despot for the sake of your commodity. Employees exist to (monetarily) fuel your creative outpouring, not to offer hackneyed cliches passed off as "insight" about how you are keeping shop.
Surely you will eventually encounter an extraordinarily outspoken member of the rank and file, and such an individual is an easily dispatched foe. The first step is to debunk any suggestions, input or feedback as criticism and deconstruction. Admitting that anyone else possesses the remarkable savior-faire required to keep your business thriving in this economy is absolute suicide. Secondly, if an unruly sardine is continuously insubordinate, your best option is to insult, berate, and degrade them into silence. Should the problem persist, a blacklist is then perfectly in order. Crack open the book on good old Joe McCarthy in order to rein in any rogue prole. Finally, though it is never to early to consider this action, comes excommunication. No peon is worth any part of your so appropriate and requisite cut.
5. Should Things Go Awry, Burn All Bridges
Friendships are for pussies.
So there you have it comrades, a new chapter for the new depression survival guide. Take heed fellow entrepreneurs, my advice is as golden as the parachute you'll be gently using as you run out the clock in Florida with adult diapers made of c-notes. As sure as Vince Shlomi will repeatedly punch a prostitute in the face, adherence to these philosophies will grant your champagne wishes and caviar dreams.
1. Remember: It's Your Commodity
Only a charlatan would say, "Business is like music, it has all been done before, but it's a matter of how you do it that sets you apart." Nothing could be further from the truth. You are the mastermind behind the venture, the originator, the end-all-be-all. It is critical that you never let your underlings forget this fact. Additionally, never let anyone convince you that you have "stolen" an idea - there is always a loophole permitting a total autocracy.
You must constantly recall that this is your entity and how crucial that is to your authority. You are the emperor, granting you license to alter the rules at any given point, even mid game. This will continually work to your advantage, no matter how insignificant the dispute, even if it be $25 or less.
2. Overestimate Your Product
As an owner, you have to assume that your idea/product/commodity is the greatest thing since pants with pockets. This idea is especially significant if your business happens to provide a service for another business. Also, it is most certainly beneficial (at least from your point of view) to assume the service you provide is exponentially more important than the business with which you have become aligned.
Now that you have created and established your vision, make sure that you spread it to every plausible niche in every imaginable market. No matter when, no matter where, everyone wants it, and that means every waking minute. Your best movie is to glut your target audience and in no time, your IPO will be wearning you so much bling it will make you want to slap Mr. T. The most important thing, people love your product and you have the return patronage of a crack dealer.
3. Never Keep a Promise
You will inevitably need employees, especially if you overestimate your product (as previously discussed) and your demand goes to plaid, causing you to accommodate with a healthy dose of supply. Employees are great, you can basically delegate jobs/responsibilities/work until you have nothing to do but complain about those you lord over and to count your money. This ragtag group has one unfortunate flaw: they require compensation, those vandals. These scoundrels, stinking of money-lust, will shake you down until your enterprise is as insignificant and worthless as Enron stock. There are two solutions to this little puzzler: (1) choose your employees wisely, and (2) never keep a promise.
The former is trickier than the latter because the goal is to attain totalitarian control. Be sure that no individual voice is heard, including valid suggestions, ideas, etc. A business owner needs an army of toadies, folks that will not rock the boat, thereby never tipping it over. You need their undying love and affection. This general atmosphere of worship will ensure the deserved accolades due to you not only for granting your employees a better life, but also for gracing humankind with your conception.
As a business owner, the second aspect, never keeping a promise, is nowhere near as difficult. This is not to say "lie outright" to your employees (although that might not be such a bad tactic) but rather to dangle that unattainable carrot in front of their greedy, greedy eyes. This is intended to keep their proletariat hands busy filling your pockets when they think the incentive will eventually trickle down. The attainable results are astonishing when one offers a piece of the pie that was never intended to be sliced. The businessperson that keeps the workforce pacified vis a vis worthless perks has struck a serious blow in class warfare.
This idea is also applicable to regular wage. As previously stated, any rule can be adapted or generated courtesy of intelligent design to suit your every wish. Your subordinates exist to make YOU money not the other way around. After all, your workers are in debt to you for allowing them the absolute privilege of being part of your team.
Finally, to twist an old Gloria Steinem chestnut, a business needs ethics like a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
4. Be Sure To Keep The Employee in its Place
Ahh, sweet rhetorical usage of the word "its". Never give an underling the idea you consider them remotely human. You are part of the Bourgeoisie now, climbing that ladder to happier and happier times. Leave the work to the avaricious hoi polloi. Work to a business owner is birth control to a Catholic, to wit: contradictory. Responsibility rests on the shoulders of your unwashed masses of mouth breathers as they are so seamlessly disposable and replaceable.
An important facet as you delegate responsibility is to maintain your role as authoritarian, absolute ruler, strongman. As the proprietor, you are, in no uncertain terms, permitted to act as a tyrannical despot for the sake of your commodity. Employees exist to (monetarily) fuel your creative outpouring, not to offer hackneyed cliches passed off as "insight" about how you are keeping shop.
Surely you will eventually encounter an extraordinarily outspoken member of the rank and file, and such an individual is an easily dispatched foe. The first step is to debunk any suggestions, input or feedback as criticism and deconstruction. Admitting that anyone else possesses the remarkable savior-faire required to keep your business thriving in this economy is absolute suicide. Secondly, if an unruly sardine is continuously insubordinate, your best option is to insult, berate, and degrade them into silence. Should the problem persist, a blacklist is then perfectly in order. Crack open the book on good old Joe McCarthy in order to rein in any rogue prole. Finally, though it is never to early to consider this action, comes excommunication. No peon is worth any part of your so appropriate and requisite cut.
5. Should Things Go Awry, Burn All Bridges
Friendships are for pussies.
So there you have it comrades, a new chapter for the new depression survival guide. Take heed fellow entrepreneurs, my advice is as golden as the parachute you'll be gently using as you run out the clock in Florida with adult diapers made of c-notes. As sure as Vince Shlomi will repeatedly punch a prostitute in the face, adherence to these philosophies will grant your champagne wishes and caviar dreams.
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